Discovering HEART Roles

My path to building a digital second brain, integrated learning from multiple sources. One school of thought taught me how to work with ideas in thought chains, so I could discover insights and hidden connections between ideas, assimilating new knowledge like knitting new pictures into a growing tapestry of understanding. The other school of thought taught me how to think organizationally. I have come to think of this second school as GRIT, for Goals, Roles, Interests, and Treasures.

It is this second concept, the idea that everything is not a goal. We live in a culture obsessed with goals. Oliver Burkman in his book, The Antidote, tackles our goal culture head on, revealing that sometimes, goals can even do more harm than good. And in those cases, I believe getting clear about our roles, is the more effective way to go.

In this post, I want to share with you the framework I use to achieve work life balance by defining what I call HEART roles. The H.E.A.R.T. acronym is a counterbalance to the S.M.A.R.T. acronym used for setting goals. It stands for:

1. Holistic - in contrast to specific.
2. Experiential - in contrast to measurable.
3. Authentic - in contrast to actionable.
4. Relational - in contrast to relevant.
5. Time frame - in contrast to timebound.

Goals trigger dopamine and cortisol. Roles should produce oxytocin, and serotonin. We need all four hormones to thrive. But how do you define a HEART role? By answering questions.

Five Questions

There are five questions you want to answer, one for each aspect of a HEART Role. The five questions are:

1. Holistic: What area does this role govern?
2. Experiential: What emotions, attitudes, and behaviors govern this role?
3. Authentic: What habits, practices, or behaviors do you want to demonstrate regardless of the outcome?
4. Relational: Who is affected, shares, or is concerned with this area?
5. Timeframe: Over what period of time will you play this role?

What area does this role govern?

You can think of this as an area of concern. It could be your home, your business, your career, your family, your friends, yourself even. Example areas are:

• CEO
• Executive
• My Health
• Father
• Brother
• Friend
• Harley Rider

Areas are strongly associated with identity. I see myself as this kind of person.

What kind of experience?

This could also be emotional. You want to reach into the feeling words. When you "play", "take", or "live" this role, how do you want to feel in the best case? How do you want to make other people feel? The idea of experience is a rich and complex subject. Psychologists describe the structure of experience has having four components: Stimuli (senses), interpretation (meaning making), feeling/emotion, followed by reaction/behavior.

The idea here is to describe the experiences you want to have. How do you want to behave in certain situations? This diagram can help you map out each of the components so you can be intentional about your experiences. One way to "design" and experience is to use this chart and ask.

1. Situation:
2. Interpretation:
3. Emotion:
4. Behavior:

When (1) happens, I will use (2) interpretation, focusing on (3) feeling, so I can do (4) behavior. One example of this is the saying, "the most generous possible interpretation of intent." Let's break it down.

1. Situation: Someone says something that could be upsetting.
2. Interpretation: Assume positive intent.
3. Feeling: Curiosity, if they have positive intent, and what they said upset you, then you must be missing information, what could it be?
4. Behavior: Ask for clarification (instead of reacting angrily)

I don't always use that form, sometimes the situations and the desired outcomes are straight forward - like NOT being frustrated with my rambunctious kids when I get home from a long day at work.

Examples:

1. I want people to feel comfortable and welcome in my home.
2. I want to be present, kind, and supportive with my children.
3. I want to be understanding, strong, and stable with my spouse.
4. I want to be curious, supportive, and firm with my employees.
5. I want my employees to feel supported, have confidence in me, and be inspired by my vision.

What habits or practices?

The core of authenticity is vulnerability. Social psychologist Brené Brown says that "vulnerability is showing up when you can't control the outcome." She also adds that authenticity is the first thing we look for in others, but often the last thing we want to show in ourselves. Getting clear about how we want to show up, regardless of the outcome, is a key part of adding depth to our roles. Famous UCLA Basketball coach John Wooden describes grace this way, "being yourself regardless of what is happening around you." Being authentic is not about being perfect, but about striving for internal consistency. My good friend Dave McLurg describes it this way, "It's about controlling the inputs and not worrying about the outputs." It is about focusing on what you can control (yourself) and not worrying about the other person.

Examples:

• Cleaning and organizing the house, even if I am the only one at home.
• Not "keeping score" when I call family members.
• Being present even if my kids are distracted.
• Being a good sport, lose OR win.
• Walking the dog regardless of how I feel about it.
• Saying, "Can you expand on that?" when someone says something confusing or upsetting instead of launching into an argument.

Who?

At the core of every role is a person, even if that person is you. Defining a role is also about defining what kind of relationship we want to have with these people. For example, Kristen Neff is a leader in advocating for self-compassion, since research shows that our self-compassion governs (or limits) our capacity to show compassion for others. This may mean you want to define having a better relationship with yourself. Defining your self-concept is a popular topic with self-help books. Your HEART role is an ideal place to write down what you want that to be.

Sometimes relationships are clear, like between a parent and a child, or sibling to sibling. The key is to know who you want your role to relate to.

Timeframe

Roles are different from goals in another way. They happen over an extended period of time. Not forever, but usually for months, years, decades and in some cases a lifetime.

Example timeframes:

• For as long as I live in this house/apartment/condo, or city/state/country.
• For the duration of my office.
• Until my kids graduate from high school.
• Until I retire
• For the rest of my life

Summary

The purpose of this framework is to elevate the roles you take in your life to the same level of intensity, responsibility, and intentionality that you apply to goals. It is about creating the clarity to improve yourself, your quality of life, and the lives of the people you care about. You do that by answering five questions, and then building from there.